My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Randomize
