Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I am naked and annoyed.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
