I'm so fucking centered right now
im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
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