Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
