Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
