The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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