im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
