Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
