When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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