I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
