Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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