I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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