You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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