I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
