quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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