i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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