census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
