Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Randomize
