alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
My dick has a subreddit
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
