hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
