i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I want to have your abortion
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Never joke about your clitoris.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
