omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
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