If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
