I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Randomize
