I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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