My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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