sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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