i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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