Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
