no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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