I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
