I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
