If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
You don't make any sense
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