How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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