How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Randomize
