The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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