So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Text me some of your sweat
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
