bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
