I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
