Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
