I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
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It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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