I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
you never un-have a 4some
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
