last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
