NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
