just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
