omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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