I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
