Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
