I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
