I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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