The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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