Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
