I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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