Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
