Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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