Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
