my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
