Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
