im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
