My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
