she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I'm at about main and main street
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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