i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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