i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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